So Very, Very Loved

Last April on a Friday when I was praying for 30 minutes during a prayer vigil for the Kairos Prison Ministry weekend that my husband was lay director of, I tried something different in my prayer time. Instead of uplifting all these inmates in prayer and talking to God about them, I instead asked God to do the talking.

With a list of their names beside me, I prayed for each one by name, asking the Lord to tell me what I needed to pray for them. He would reveal words or images to me, so I wrote them down next to the person's name. When Brad came home that Friday night, I showed him the list and said, "This is what the Lord wants you to pray for for these men." As he read over the list, his jaw dropped. Many of the things I had written down, I couldn't possibly know because I hadn't met the men, but he said the prayers were dead on about them. Some he didn't know. For example next to one man's name I wrote: "He misses his Mom." Brad went up to him the next day and hugged him saying, "I know you miss your Mom. I'm praying for you." The guy just stared at him and walked away. Later in the day, he asked Brad how he knew that, then explained that his mother had been paralyzed years before, couldn't come visit him in prison and that it was his birthday that day. It was a confirmation for Brad and me about that prayer time.

Brad shared the prayers I had written down with several of the other inmates over the weekend as well. When several other men were added to the weekend, he asked me that next day to pray for them. One kind of interested me when the Lord had me write the word "energy" next to his name. I thought that was strange. Was I supposed to pray for energy for him? At closing when this man went to the podium to tell what the weekend had meant to him he said, "What amazed me most about this weekend was the energy I have felt from all of you." I nearly fell out of my seat, and tears rolled down my cheeks. Apparently he needed to feel that energy from the people there that day. It was such a profound experience for me from a prayer standpoint, and I have reexamined the way I pray. I am usually a talker with the Father. I decided I need to make a better attempt at being the listener. But since that weekend, I hadn't prayed that way.

Last Wednesday Brad went back to the prison for a visit. One of the inmates went up to him and explained that his wife had gone through the Kairos Outside weekend for spouses of inmates. It helps them better understand the changes in the lives of the inmates after a Kairos weekend. The inmate walked up to Brad and handed him a slip of paper with the name of his wife, Shantel, on it. He said his wife had an amazing weekend and he wanted me to pray for her to get a message from God about her.

I have to say, I was a little uncomfortable with this request. I hadn't prayed like I did that Friday night in April since then, so I wasn't sure the Father would necessarily give me a message about Shantel. But I promised Brad I would pray for her.

A couple days ago, I sat in my office on the bed in there to pray for Shantel. It was a dark cloudy day. As I prayed, with my eyes shut, I saw light. Lots of it.

I opened my eyes to see the low-hanging sun peaking through the clouds and beaming right on me through a soft steady rain. I thought how beautiful it was, then went back to praying as the clouds covered it back up again. As I started to pray for Shantel again, it happened again, the sun burst through the clouds right on me. Then I felt it. "It's a time of steady soft rain for her, but she will be a light through it all. And there is a promise." That was it. I wrote it down and went back to pray as the clouds covered the sun back up. But as I prayed, I thought "Lord what if that was just a coincidence - that whole sun thing. Is there something else you have for her?" And the sun burst through yet once again on me. The Lord likes to work in threes with me. Apparently, I am not easily convinced a first, or even second, time. And then the Lord did something for me that had never happened before. For just a brief moment, seconds even, He allowed me to feel the love He has for Shantel. And it was overwhelming. I started to cry. Oh my, how He loves her! An all encompassing, fill-your-heart-to-overflowing love that just surrounded me, made me feel safe, special, embraced. I wept as I realized this is how He feels about every single one of us. How blessed we are that God loves us so very, very much! Christ coming for us made complete sense to me in those moments. He loves us that much.

After this moment of worship with Him, I went back to praying, saying "God is this what you want me to tell Shantel? I just want to be sure I have it, that I'm not imagining all this." And the Father spoke to my heart, "Close your Bible, Jill. That is it."

It was my closest moment to Christ this week. To feel the love He has for her. To open my heart to God's direction. Let me tell you, there is nothing like it. We need to open ourselves to the Almighty. He wants to use us. He wants us to be willing recipients of His Word, direction and love. We just need to be available for it.

I think it's about time I started praying that way more often. I look forward to hearing what He has to say next. Open your heart to Him. He's waiting.

The Right Tool For The Job

Several months ago, both of my children, at separate times, approached me about a situation in their life dealing with an acquaintance. Each of them had a relationship where someone was doing something that was annoying them. I remember asking each of them at the time, "Is this thing something worth losing a friendship over, or is it something you can just put behind you?" Both thought about that question and decided the annoyance was not worth losing a friendship over and moved on in love.

See, I'm pretty sure in friendships - and marriages for that matter - Satan tries to bring bubbly little annoyances to the surface to see if they will boil over in an effort to destroy those relationships. Correction: I'm not pretty sure, I'm certain of it. How many times in your life have things happened where someone says or does something that just drives you crazy? Then you notice something else, and something else, to the point where you wonder why you've even associated with this person at all.

Recently I commented to a co-worker about someone who did something I was frustrated with. She said to me, "Don't you let Satan use you as a tool." That was all she said. No empathy. No sympathy. No "That's terrible, so what are you gonna do about it?" Just one deeply profound sentence. And I realized I was going through the same thing my children had talked about. I was being used as a tool of destruction. I went home that night and prayed God would help me put that ridiculous thing behind me to focus on the beautiful, positive things.

I have lost relationships in the past by being used as a tool, or being on the receiving end of another being used as such. Was it worth it? Christ said the second greatest commandment was to love our neighbors as ourselves. He was quoting something God told Moses back in Lev. 19:18. I think we as Christians, need to access situations before letting them get legs of destruction. Whatever little thing is bothering you, is it worth losing a friend or even acquaintance over? It may be this very person is going to team up with you to do great things for Jesus or you may be doing so already, and Satan just won't have that. Learn to see as Christ sees. Learn to listen as He listens. Forgive as He forgives. Love as He loves.

Don't allow yourself to be a tool ... unless - as it says in 1 Thess. 5:11 - it's one of grace for Christ in building one another up. Heaven knows this world could use a whole toolbox full of those.

2 Cor. 13:11 "Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you."

Dear 20-year-old Self

My husband always says he would never go back in time to change things because he is who he is today because of the joys and trials he's faced. I, too, am a product of not just genetics and environment, but of the circumstances that have come my way. I still wish I could change things in my past and honestly could provide my 20-year-old self with some wisdom. Since I can't, I am hoping my sweet 20-something friends and my children will heed what's here, and save themselves a whole lot of hassle...

Dear 20-year-old Self,

First of all, I just want to tell you that when you look in the mirror, you are gorgeous. I know what you're thinking, but you are NOT fat, you are NOT ugly and you are filled with potential. You are unique! Song of Solomon has it right: "You are beautiful, my love, there is no flaw in you." (4:7).

While you should enjoy the sun, understand that exposure to it causes one of the nastiest cancers there is - malignant melanoma. Please use caution. Do not get sunburned. You have a genetic disposition to it. And, it causes age spots and wrinkles that you're going to be surprised with around age 40.

Speaking of age 40, that's also about the time you'll need reading glasses to see anything up close. It's truly frustrating when you can't read the tiny print in your Bible and have to get a new one with ginormous letters. You might want to just start off with that one, because you'll even have trouble reading all those notes you wrote in the margins of things you didn't want to forget. Write big.

Make it a habit to eat right now. Yes, that means portion control and good food groups - not just chocolate and fried foods. If you get in that habit now, you're good to go in the future.

Don't be so afraid. Take some risks. Yes, you'll fail repeatedly, but you'll have plenty of successes, too. You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. (Phil 4:13) Don't be so worried about people's approval. Just make sure you're pleasing the Lord.

When you have kids (and you will - two amazing ones) don't be in a such a hurry for them to grow up. Enjoy every single moment of their little growing years. They will move out around age 18 and rarely make it back home. You are borrowing them from God for that short period of time, so really soak it in. By the way, do NOT get that Playstation for them. More time in front of a screen is not what they need, trust me. And pray and read the Bible to them more.

Have fun with your grandparents. Their lives intersect with yours briefly. And they are so much fun. Really learn from and listen to them. Save all the letters from your grandma about gardening. You could really use them later.

I know you don't like to cook, but try anyways. You're husband will thank you later.

And speaking of him - yes, it's Brad, relax - pray for him without ceasing. Wait till you see what he does for Jesus! It will blow your mind. And he ages really well. :) By the way, that thing I just typed is called an emoticon and it's a smiley.

Seek countless opportunities to serve. The opportunities to learn and pray are endless and right in front of you, but if you don't look for the places to serve, you could miss them. The world does not revolve around you.

Save your money. You're going to want to spend it and you're going to wonder at many times on this journey how you could ever possibly save, but do it. Even if it's just a little. And for crying out loud, TITHE! Do not wait until you think you can do it. Do it immediately. You will be blessed beyond measure and it will help in that whole saving process.

Don't compromise your beliefs. You know what is truth, because you've read it in Scripture. The world is going to try to convince you otherwise, but stick to the Word. So much peace and abundant life there. You think Madonna's bad? Just wait to you see Lady Gaga. Yes, that's her name. Seriously. Stop laughing.

You think your memory is bad now,  you just wait. You'll take lots of pictures, so that will help. Your husband will insist that you've been to the Milwaukee Zoo in 1994. Be sure to take pictures of that, because you have no proof and it disappears into the abyss.

Emphasize cursive to your kids. Make them practice. It starts to disappear in the 2000s to the point that your children's generation will not be able to read it. Make sure your kids can.

Don't waste your time watching "Lost" (a TV show in the future). Trust me, you can use that time so much more efficiently elsewhere.

Take time every morning for devotions. I know you are not a morning person, but every day will go better if you start it with Scripture and prayer.

When you find something you really like, get two of them if you can. It never fails that when it wears out, you'll wish you had an extra.

Never let the devil get a foothold. He will try your whole life.To get you to be upset with the little things to destroy friendships. As soon as you feel that negativity, give it to God and remember what is important - love, love, love.

Remember to have fun. God has given, and will continue to give, you so very much. Enjoy it all and be sure to thank Him for every bit of it.

That's all for now. I don't have time to tell you about cellphones, Facebook and flat screen TVs. You will love all three, but keep it in perspective and use them wisely.

By the way, God loves you so very much. Loves you, loves you, loves you. You are never alone. Make good choices.

In Christ who died for you ~ 48-year-old You

The Whispers

You know the old cartoons with the character who is at the crossroads of a decision who suddenly has an angel appear on one shoulder and a devil appear on the other? Each is whispering in the ear of the poor confused soul as to what they should do. Sometimes the character follows the angel's advice, sometimes the devil, flicking the squealing angel off his shoulder. It's comical. We all laugh.

Recently some friends and I were talking about that "shoulder" advice. The whispers you get in your ears. Oftentimes, it's not about a decision you're about to make, but rather just continuous badgering about our frailties.

Let me give you an example. One friend said she'd sent a message to a relative. The relative didn't respond to several texts and phone calls. So it got her thinking: "I wonder what's wrong? Did I say something wrong? Did I do something wrong? Why wouldn't they accept my calls or respond to texts?" 

As you've probably guessed, the family member's phone had stopped working. They didn't dislike the other person, didn't think they'd done anything wrong at all. They just had a faulty piece of technology.

So where did the thoughts come from that brought my friend to this place of doubt, paranoia, frustration, disappointment, etc?

I'm going to go with the demon on the shoulder. Okay, that may be too cartoonish or comical for you, but is it really beyond possibility? Think about it. What better way to distract someone in a perfectly fine relationship than to whisper all those ridiculous things above.

I'm pretty convinced that is one of Satan and his army of demon's greatest weapons ... whispered deception. Let's face it, Christ himself called Satan the "father of lies" (John 8:44). He prowls around looking for someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8). So naturally, the demons are hovering around us all day long looking for kinks in our spiritual armor to whisper to our weaknesses.

"Can you believe that person is behaving like that?" "What did he just say about you?" "You can't trust them." "That is never going to work." "You look terrible." Relentless, continuous. You've heard them, surely.

I told a friend recently we should probably give them names: Fear, Disappointment, Confusion, Doubt, etc. If we would identify those crazy thoughts as they're happening as the enemy whispering, we could do a little rebuking, say the name of Jesus out loud, recite some Scripture (our one spiritual weapon) and start putting these demons in their place.

It takes a little work to get to that place where we recognize those thoughts as the demon badgering they are. And being continuously in the Word helps us identify them. None of us is immune from the whispers. Even Jesus dealt with it after 40 days of fasting in the wilderness prior to starting his ministry. And he rebuked the devil with Scripture every single time. He is our example.

My accountability group is one of the best discerners of those whispers. When we share our challenges and struggles with each other, we can identify the lies Satan is whispering and move forward in strength. I pray you have someone who helps you in those times.

We have an enemy we can't see daily waging war against us. But beautifully, we have a Champion that we can't see either, that has armed us with the most powerful weapon there is. And he already has the victory.

Who are you going to listen to today?

Addicted

I'm addicted. My friend, Danielle warned me of that before I ever began to play. I didn't heed her warning, and here I am three months and 132 levels later, addicted.

I'm talking about the game Candy Crush. I really enjoy playing this game. It's a great way to pass that lull time - you know, like when you're in the waiting room at the doctor's office. Or when you're on a long car trip (and not the one driving). Or dinner's not quite done and you have a few minutes. Or, dare I say, when you're on the toilet. Of course it's fun to play anytime, not just a lull time. And as addicting as it is, it can suck up hours of it. Thankfully, you've only got 5 lives at a time, so when they're gone, you're done for awhile (unless your sweet precious friends have gifted you lives.)

I commented to another friend recently, "I actually feel smarter after I've played it." I think that's because of the challenge to this game. It changes every level. See, I've played this other game called Bejeweled Blitz, where the goal is to match colored gems to achieve a high score. It never changes. Same game every time. But Candy Crush is different. It has the same "match" aspect, but the goal is different each game. For example, one level you might need to reach 100,000 points in 50 moves. The next you need to score so many points in 120 seconds. In another you need clear the board of "jelly." Don't reach the goal and the "You've failed!" pops up.

I thought once I'd gotten to level 100 the game would end, and here I am at level 132. A friend of mine is as level 233 and I learned there are 440 levels created thus far. I have a long way to go, and sometimes wonder if I'll ever get bored of it. But not yet...

Today I realized something as I was playing. Certain things that have value in the game, can be worthless depending on the goal. If the goal is to get so many points in one game, it may be worthless to clear jelly. If the goal is to bring a couple of pieces of fruit to the bottom of the screen from the top right, matches on the left are worthless. If the goal is to match a striped candy with a sprinkle-covered chocolate truffle, a bunch of powerful wrapped candies with explosive power are ignored. Meet the goal of that level is what gets you to the next ... even if sometimes takes days to achieve it.

It made me think about our goals as Christians. What exactly are we called to do here? According to Scripture we're to make disciples of all nations, baptizing and teaching them about Jesus (Matt. 28:19-20). We're to love each other (1 John 4:11). We're to care for orphans and widows (James 1:27). We're to clothe the naked, feed the hungry, welcome the stranger and visit the prisoner (Matt. 25:37-40). We're to obey God's commands (Deut. 13:4). We're to love our enemies (Luke 6:35). We're to act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with our God (Micah 6:8). We're to believe in Jesus' death and resurrection for the forgiveness of sins (Acts 10:43). Those, among others, are the goals of this level here on earth.

The rest of it - money, success, power, fame - is froth. It's not why we're here. It's not the goal of this level. They may be perks. In many instances, may even be hindrances. But our focus needs to be on the goals listed in the paragraph prior, or - like playing Candy Crush - we are truly wasting our time.

I want to be just like Jesus.

It's going to take days - every one He's given me here on earth. Lots of days of "You've failed!" for sure, but I'm going to get there. You will probably not see it while I'm here among you, but Jesus promises to meet me at the gates of Heaven, and it's through Him I will be presented flawless to my Father. Like those sweet friends of mine on Candy Crush - I will be gifted with new life.

That's the goal. And I'm going to keep on trying daily to achieve it. Cause I love Him. I'm ... addicted.

"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Phil. 3:14.

Naked we came. Naked we go.

Was reading Ecclesiastes this morning, and came across Chapter 5, verse 15 which says: "Everyone comes naked from their mother's womb, and as everyone comes, so they depart." It echoes Job 1:2: "Naked I came from my mother's womb and naked I will depart." Interestingly, I read this just after seeing the leaked photo of the corpse of Tamerlan Tsarnaev, a 26 year old man police suspect was involved in the bombing at the Boston Marathon on Monday, April 15.

Tamerlan had gotten into a shootout with police after allegedly assassinating a young police officer Thursday night. After the shootout, his accomplice and brother, Dzhokhar, 19, ran over Tamerlan's body as he drove off to escape. Tamerlan was pronounced dead at the hospital. The photo of this young man showed him from the hips up, completely naked, bloodied and bruised. Some of his wounds were digitally distorted so people wouldn't see them. His eyes were open. I wondered if his parents saw this photo.

I remember the day both of my children entered this world. I held them, kissed them and fell instantly in love, filled with joy. I wondered if Tamerlan's parents felt the same way when he came into their lives. And now, here he was, lifeless, soulless on a gurney, not surrounded by loved ones, a life cut short by violence after perpetrating one of the worst events in our history. And for what? Answers to those questions may come later as his younger brother, now in custody, is interrogated, but any answer seems worthless for the carnage results of their acts. There is no excuse for what they did. None. They killed innocent people, Krystle, Lingze, Martin, Sean. They injured hundreds.

I wondered, as I saw Tamerlan's lying there dead, what he said to his Maker when he met Him face-to-face. I wondered what this man could have accomplished for God's glory had he known the Truth. And when Dzhokhar was arrested, the first thing I prayed was: "God please let someone tell him about Jesus." He's a teenager. I am hoping he will have a chance to have a far different visit with the Creator.

What goes through the mind of a 19-year-old bent on exploding and shooting people? I heard several of his friends who knew him prior to this incident call him "an angel." This is a boy desperately in need of a Savior.

Naked we come into this world and naked we leave. Solomon goes on to say that everything under the sun is meaningless except for one thing. Just one. "Fear God and keep His commandments, for this is the duty of all mankind." Eccl. 12:13.

My husband is working in a prison this weekend, sharing the love and salvation of Jesus Christ with them. These are murderers, rapists, armed robbers and drug dealers, all serving their sentences and paying for their crimes. Many will never see the free world again, and deservedly so. But they all deserve to know freedom in Christ, the love of Christ and experience the salvation of Christ.

While continuing to pray for the victims of this atrocious act, I will be praying for Dzhokhar. The Lord has put eternity on our hearts, Solomon says in Eccl. 3:11. Praying Dzhokhar gets to enjoy it with the Father ... because I'm thinking Tamerlan didn't stand a chance.

Choked Up

Recently a friend of mine was told he might have cancer. He shared with me that when he first got this diagnosis, and subsequently thought about the potential outcome, he said his first thoughts weren't about goals not achieved, not reaching certain successes or becoming wealthy. He said: "I immediately thought about all the people I haven't shared Christ with yet."

I was profoundly moved, and could certainly relate. About a decade ago I had a near-death experience when I was told I might not survive and spent the next 45 minutes in an ambulance making sure everyone riding with me knew of the saving grace of Christ.

When sharing the first story above, a friend listening said, "Yeah, that's the dash. What are you doing with your dash?" He was referring to the poem by Linda Ellis called The Dash, about the dash between the birth and death years on a gravestone (which you can read here). It's a precious convicting poem reminding us what is important in our lives. But I think my friend facing cancer has the true meaning of the dash figured out perfectly. It's not about our wealth, being a success in the workplace, awards and accolades ... it's about furthering the Kingdom, period. That comes about with love in our actions, certainly, as spoken in "The Dash" poem, but also in "telling" of the love of God, sharing our testimonies, speaking of the forgiveness God offers us through His Son. That is our most important job, and Jesus reminded us of that with his last words before leaving Earth "Go therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you." (Matthew 28:19-20)

During my devotion time a day ago, I was reading Mark and rereading the parable of the sower for the upteenth time. Sometimes when I get to these stories, I kinda gloss over them since I've read them so very often. But this day, I read it slowly, absorbing all God wanted me to learn from it. Jesus speaks of a farmer scattering seed, some of which falls on the path, quickly eaten by birds; some on rocky places with little soil, so plants have no root and wither; some on good soil producing a crop multiplied by 30, 60 or even 100. But the seeds that got me, were the ones thrown among the thorns, choked and unable to produce fruit. Jesus says in Mark 4:18-19: "Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful."

I never related to these seeds. I kinda put myself in with the seeds on good soil producing a bountiful crop. But the Lord convicted me that day. I've certainly spent a portion of my time as the seed among the thorns, desiring things of this earth rather than the company of my Father and fulfilling His mission for me. And I thought for a moment about all the time I've wasted. Good heavens, there have been some unfruitful times in my life.

Perhaps as I'm in this "middle age" of life (that is if the Lord has me live into my 90's), I am re-evaluating my time. How have I been fruitful today? Have I told anyone about Christ? Have I encouraged a soul this day? Have I reached out to a friend in need? Have I spent moments in solitude with my Creator God?

When facing the certainty of death ... oh, and it most certainly is there waiting for all of us every moment ... our outlook, our values and goals get a bit tweaked.

So I've learned a couple things: 1) don't gloss over the Word - it's living and God has more to reveal; and 2) don't waste an opportunity to talk about Christ, not one moment, because there are many, many who need Him.

It's time I pull out these thorns.

A New Leash On Life

On my way to praise band practice in the early Sunday morning hours, I see a woman - a friend of mine - who is walking her dog. I see her just about every Sunday. Her dog is huge, bigger than her. I remember the first time I saw her. Rather than her walking the dog, the dog was dragging her. I felt so bad for her. She is a tiny woman and to see this brute of a dog that she obviously had no control over yanking her all over the neighborhood with her struggling to keep up, was just painful to watch.

I'd heard she inherited the dog, that it wasn't hers to begin with, so it wasn't like she had this puppy she didn't train right. It came to her home fully in charge. I used to wonder why she didn't just give up on him and find him another home, especially when she looked so miserable every time she was out with him. I knew at any day I would hear about her having to go to the emergency room to get her arm put back in its socket.

Then this Sunday I noticed something. She was walking the dog again (in her pajamas as she always does) and she had complete control of the canine. Complete control. He wasn't charging full force ahead, but rather walked just a few paces in front of her. She was even carrying a cup of coffee!

Rather than give up on this mighty mutt, she had gotten stronger. She persevered through the tough, overpowering moments and came through victorious to the point of delighting in this animal and the leisurely stroll. She even waved to me while she was walking, something she could have never done previously.

What a wonderful lesson about life. She didn't give up. She didn't take the easy road. She just trudged on through the tough times and ended up stronger, more in control and happy.

Oftentimes, we look for the easy way out when things aren't going so well. My husband likes to tell me I always look for the "escape route" when facing struggles. Rather than deal with the problem, sometimes I want out. While that may be the simpler approach and leave me anxiety free, it also leaves me weaker for it, just as thin-skinned as I was to begin with and pathetically less capable to handle a similar situation in the future.

I am who I am today because of the failures, successes and journeys to and through both. And pray I am stronger, better and happier for it all. While I'm pretty sure my friend didn't enjoy being pulled by a brute dog every morning, she certainly is enjoying the animal's company now. She has peace. I have a long road ahead of me as the Father continues to grow and mold me into the person He wants me to be. And while I do not look forward to the struggles and battles ahead, I pray I can have the perseverance to hold tightly to the leash and enjoy the leisurely stroll on the other side, when all is completed.